Welcome to the Palmetto state...

As of this afternoon, I am officially a resident of South Carolina. I wish it was as easy to pull that off as it was to write that sentence. Let me recap:

The morning was...damp. Too far back? Ok. I'll skip ahead.

I knew from looking online beforehand that I would need a few things: My old Indiana driver's license (proof that I know how to drive), a birth certificate (proof that I exist), my Social Security card (proof that I am a US citizen) and something to show where I live (proof of SC residency).

Ok, so when I got there I had the old license, the birth certificate, and OH Sugar Honey Ice Tea, that SS card is ALWAYS in my wallet - except today. The lady looked at my proof of residency and politely informed me that it was also not adequate. I was sure that my missing teeth and preacher hair and cell phone bill would be enough on this count, but I was wrong. So she gave me a helpful list of things that would be accepatble proof, and I headed home on a scavenger hunt.

Here is the actual list of  things that are acceptable for proof (and the reasons I didn't have them).

1. School records (it's been a while)
2. A tuition bill (same)
3. Current pay stub from an SC company or that shows my address and withholding state (well, the company I work for is headquartered in Texas, and they withhold North Carolina State taxes for me, because until this week, I had an office there)
4. S.C. Welfare card (thankfully I don't need one of those)
5. S.C. Medicaid card (see above)
6. Parolee card (also see above)
7. Home mortgage docs less than 90 days old (we get no bills - electronic bill pay)
8. S.C. weapons permit (Oh my bad! I should have known that if I had a gun, I could get a driver's license. Makes perfect sense)
9. County Tax notice (in Steph's name)
10. Utility bill (Water, Electric, Cable bills - all in Steph's name - she moved here first and we've never changed it. They take phone bills, but not cell phones, and not satellite TV either. Don't ask me how I know that)
11. Federal Tax records (um, they are around here somehwere...I know they are)
12. Military orders (no, thanks)
13. Letter from a military base that proves I am stationed here (I think there's a template for one of those in Pages or Word. If there isn't, there should be).
14. SC Bank statement (we have three out of state bank accounts, and none of them send us statements in paper).
15. Social Security check (again, thankfully, no)
16. Insurance documentation (Now we are getting somewhere - but snafu! the docs don't have my name and address on the same page - so it isn't proof! Getting silly now)
17. Letter from a homeless shelter in SC to prove I live there (go on, I'm listening, where do I sign up?)
18. Vehicle insurance card (Oh, did I mention Steph has those on the other side of Charlotte with her?)
19. Article of mail with Post Office change of address label (long since tossed out).

Well, I found something that I thought would work for #16 - a medical insurance statement that had my name and address on it, WooHoo! so I headed back to the DMV. Guess what? Medical records don't count. It has to be vehicle insurance. Not to get shitty (I promise I mostly didn't), but the list said nothing about vehicle - it just said insurance. I made sure to point that out to the lady. But she, being the lady at the DMV after all, clearly over the years had developed the compassion of a Komodo dragon. She did however notice that I had brought along our car insurance bill and said, "Do you have Nationwide insurance?" Yes, yes I do. "Well if you call your agent, you can just have them fax me a letter on their letterhead saying they insure you, and you are an SC resident." Pause. Well There. You. Go. This just got doable. A few phone calls later (and $25 bucks), and I have a South Carolina driver's license. This officially makes twice now that my day has been brightened by the Nationwide Insurance letterhead. Someday, when I feel like writing about it, maybe I will tell you how it got me out of a traffic ticket.

That was easy.

Comments

[Dan Beahm]

I am pretty sure South Carolina is the most humid state in the country. I live in the third driest. I'm pretty sure I'd melt and die in S.C.

I love #8. Welcome to the South. [smile]

You should have just spent the night in a homeless shelter and claimed residence that way. WTF?

[Worshipfan]

Awesome way to spend a day off...almost as good as when I moved from Indiana BACK to Massachusetts and they made me pay state tax on my car AGAIN...because I originally paid it in Indiana and not to them. Makes perfect sense that I should pay it twice just so they get their piece of the pie.

[Brian]

This was the funniest thing I have read in a long time!!!!!!!!!!