So, knew this day would come, just not this soon. I am going to have to tell Vickie that she is adopted. That dog led me on a 90 minute chase around a shopping center last night beginning about 8:30 PM, and ending sometime after 10. I wanted to shoot over to Blockbuster, and she hopped in the car to go with me, and I thought, "no big deal, she likes to go on short rides" (that was my first mistake). As I was pulling out of the driveway, I realized I did not have my phone, but I thought, "no big deal, I'll be back in 15 minutes." (second critical lapse in judgment).
An hour and a half later, I come screaming home to find my totally freaked out wife standing on the front step, about to get in the car herself and drive toward Blockbuster, herself knowing that she would find my van flipped over in a ditch somewhere along the way, and me muttering something about angels and white lights while my car fills with murky wet death.
These are the moments that take years off our lives, you know?
So anyway, Vickie is adopted. No one knows who her father is, and her mom gave all of her brothers and sisters up at birth. We found her at a doggie-orphanage, and we only picked her because we liked the looks of her fur markings. Feel free to pass the word along. I couldn't care less if it hurts her feelings.
- Never let the dog get in the car, if you intend to open your door at your destination.
- Never leave your phone at home, no matter how short you expect the trip to be.
- Don't chase a dog that's running away from you. That makes them run farther and faster.
- Don't own a dog that runs faster than you.
- Carry some yummy treats in the glove compartment at all times, or a tranquilizer gun.
- When someone asks, "Is that your dog?" say, "No, it was here when I pulled up. I am just trying to get it in the car for its own safety and the well-being of my fellow citizens."
- Don't try to walk into Blockbuster in hopes that the dog will follow you and you can grab her collar, especially if there is a two year old girl just inside the doors of said Blockbuster.
- People will tell you they are "dog-people' until you need help with your dog.
- A dog wagging its tail at a time like this is proof of just how stupid it is. My tail was clearly not wagging.
- Dumpster corrals behind abandoned fast food restaurants are not a good place to corner a loose dog. They know what you are trying to do.
- Dogs don't like gumballs, no matter how noisily you shake the bag.
- No one cares if your cat, hamster, or turtle is running around a parking lot at 10 o'clock. I am getting the kids a turtle.
- When you stop chasing a dog and feign disinterest, she will jump into the car, put her head in your lap and start licking your hand. This is NOT the time to return affection. This is the time to start a week-long silent-treatment and online character assassination crusade against the dog, after you tell her what a stupid bitch (look it up) she is.